no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
