Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
