i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We just shotgunned beers for America
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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