Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
