No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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