Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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