I CAN MOONWALK!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
