well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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