every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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