I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
