u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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