you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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