She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
