STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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