I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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