Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
