My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
