i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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