So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
