everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We're too hungover to prance.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
