I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
