The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
