When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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