he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
