Need sex. Gaining weight.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
