four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I touched a dick in church today
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
