this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
