I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
