First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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