That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
