i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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