there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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