Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
