I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
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The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
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Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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