She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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