singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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