well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
