Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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