i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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