You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
