based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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