He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
