Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
