Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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