It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
