so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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