I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
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My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
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the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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