census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
