I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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