My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
