I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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