Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
