that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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