Ambien. No doubt about it.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
