I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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