Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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