The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm experimenting with sincerity
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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