can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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